Crossroads

Here I am sitting here at a crossroads in my life. The only thing is, I'm not sure what my options are. I have thoughts of where I'd like to end up and ideas of how that could happen, but as I look at the options in front of me, I'm not sure either of them will be where I'd hope to be when this is all over.

Many times you hear people talk about how their lives never turned out looking the way they had planned. But, I wonder how much of their lives turned up with at least a glimpse of what they had planned? For the housewife who planned on becoming a pediatrician, but in the end is growing up her own children...Or the business executive who longed to be President. Both of these people, in essence, are doing what they had set out to be. For the mom, she longed to help kids - and she does. For the business executive, he wanted to write policies and lead others to success - and he does. In both instances, they both had a dream they hoped for, but the jobs they took on were much more different than they had planned, with very much the same result.

I think back in time when I was dreaming up ideas for the future with great dreams and aspirations...a time where when someone said I couldn't, I would look at them defiantly and say, "oh, yes I can!"

Growing up there were two things my dad valued the greatest - education and music. When each of us kids hit 4th grade, we would get the opportunity to take a summer school session to try out a whole host of instruments. One week we'd try the woodwinds - flutes & clarinets galore. The next we'd try the brass instruments. Then finally, we'd try the string instruments. During the first two weeks, I couldn't get past the vibration on my lips from the instruments, and never was able to push enough air through the instrument to even make the sound good. But you see, I think that was an excuse. As when I sat during my brother's middle school band concert, I was always so enamored by the vision of violin bows all going in the same direction. My brother told me that I would never want to play the violin because it was uncomfortable to twist your hand around "like so"...And there it was the message of can't...

I was sitting in that summer school classroom with so much anticipation to try that violin - because after all a) no one, I mean no one was going to tell me I couldn't (wouldn't want to) do something and b) those bows going in one direction were so beautiful! I can almost remember the first time I held that violin. The sound it made was something I couldn't compare it to. And it's beauty...

I was so proud to go to my brother to tell him how much I loved that thing (I really truly did - I played for 8 years after all). He really didn't care, but for me it was that exercise in independence. That step that defines much of who I am.

What happened to that self-confident 10 year old? I sometimes think that she'd be ashamed of who I've become. Someone who takes "no" at its first response, and refuses to fight for the things that she believes in. What does that say about tomorrow? What path am I going to choose? What changes are required of me to make these dreams a reality?

I think the real question is - what is the dream I want to come true among all things? Because I suppose, I can't decide on a path until I know which one I want the most.

Seeing Miracles

I have been longing to divulge some of my deepest thoughts and ideas lately, but have come up short with knowing what to say. That’s not to say that I haven’t had many things on my mind, but sharing them in a “helpful” way has been lost on me.

That old adage of saying, “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all” has been at the forefront of my mind as I look for a way to communicate with the googling population (can googling even be a verb?) the struggles I’ve encountered. But today, with a refreshed view of God’s purposes, I had something to share.

I’ve been meeting with some new friends and discussing God’s word, by looking at “Barbarians” of the bible. These people lived in a radically different way from the rest of society. They looked different (c’mon, wearing camel’s hair, really?!), acted different (eating locusts? Yikes!), and chose the difficult path to be obedient to God.

Last night, we discussed John the Baptist. (let me point out some irony, last Sunday’s service was about this very man – I suppose there is a lesson here, huh?)

In Matthew 3, it is clear that JTB (John the Baptist) knew that Jesus was the Christ.

1In those days John the Baptist came, preaching in the Desert of Judea 2and
saying, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." 3This is he who was spoken
of through the prophet Isaiah:
"A voice of one calling in the desert,
'Prepare the way for the Lord,
make straight paths for him.' "

13Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.
14But John tried to deter him, saying, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you
come to me?"
15Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do
this to fulfill all righteousness." Then John consented.
16As soon as Jesus
was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and
he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. 17And a
voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well
pleased."

We see that Jesus and JTB shared an interaction about who Jesus was (the Lord). But, if we look at Matthew 11, we get a different picture.

When John heard in prison what Christ was doing, he sent his disciples 3to ask
him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?"

So this makes me question, did JTB truly not know if Jesus was the Christ? Or was he in a position where he was asking Jesus to rescue him? You see, JTB was in prison, and soon enough his head would be presented on a platter to a little girl. But after thinking through Jesus’ response, we are left with some questions, or maybe a difficult realization…

4Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: 5The blind
receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy[b]are cured, the deaf hear,
the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. 6Blessed is the
man who does not fall away on account of me."

The author of the book we’re going through, made the interesting point…If you were to see Jesus perform a miracle, your next response would NOT be to fall away, but rather to believe more in the One performing the miracle. Unless…you were in desperate need of a miracle, and there was no miracle for you.
Have you ever been there? God is blessing others in AMAZING ways, but in your brokenness, He refuses to provide a miracle or even a blessing. What did JTB have to look forward to, or believe God for? He could’ve hoped for a release from prison, but that wasn’t what he was gonna get, or at least not in our idea of release.

I struggle through the many losses that God has allowed in my life over the past two years; losses ranging from funerals to the end of certain friendships.

In my honest look at JTB’s life, I can see how he had such an amazing impact/purpose on the future of our savior. We live our purpose, and God takes us home. Through that time He refines us, and encourages us to look up, even when we look around and it seems we’ve been left out of the blessing pool.

Blessed is [Sarah] who does not fall away [when it seems there are no miracles
for her].

Father God,
So many times I stop to focus on what I don’t have. I feel defiled and rejected. Even when I look at all the things you could’ve stopped from happening, I wonder about your goodness, and all-powerfulness. But, in the moment that I stop looking at me, I can praise you for the blessings & miracles you are performing for others: M&B’s baby (may she be healthy), E&J’s financial security, L’s daughter’s healing…May you capture my heart to honor you in all your Glory, reminding me that the world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s not about how I can be comforted, but how I can carry my cross to you. You’ll help carry the burden, but not always changing the circumstance. Thank you for reminding me of my place here. I will carry my hurts to you. I ask you remind me of my place, and only by your ultimate grace, will I find healing. Not in this world but in the world to come.
I love you. Amen.

Reckless Abandon

I wonder what it looks like to live with reckless abandon.
Is it responsible? Is it thrilling? Is it scary?

If I were to live in this kind of way, I would suppose I would speak up when I am interested in someone. Or maybe I would just take a huge leap and move my entire world to another part of the country. I think I’d be able to live with myself and look at myself in the mirror and believe that I’m doing everything that I was made to do on this earth.

Let’s look at the idea of moving to another city 1200 miles away. The only real challenges are the friends & family I’d miss here. The “what if’s” are amazing to consider. I could find the place that I fit or maybe I’d finally grow up enough to stand on my own two feet without a “safety-net” and realize that I really can fly.

Earlier tonight I was admiring the lives of geese. They can swim, walk or fly. I said to my friend that I can do 2 out of 3 of these things. If only I could get a grasp on flying. But, maybe I really can fly! If only I could trust that God had his hands beneath me and that I could see all of the joys that life really can hold. My life here is rich and full of many wonderful things, but what if these are really just the crumbs? The crumbs can be satisfying, but the table is where the best “food” is at.

I ask again. What would life look like if living it with reckless abandon?


As I continue down the path in making this decision, I find myself taking greater inventory of the joys that I have around me.
My house is now a home.
My friends have become family.
My hobbies add so much to my life.

As I look at each of these wonderful things, I realize the one thing that completes me is missing from the things I enjoy most here – God. We once had a relationship with joy and excitement. I remember the love affair I was enjoying where everytime I cracked the binding of my bible I got excited with the hope of what He wanted to teach me. I miss Him. I know He hasn’t gone anywhere, but I miss Him. In so many of my days of searching I keep avoiding the one person who I know WANTS to be found. I search continuously for a man to “complete” my life, or new journeys that will bring new experiences, or the possibility of moving so that I find a man who will make my life “complete” on a new journey with new experiences.

Maybe that is my ultimate decision. Instead of going in search of something new, stop and look for the God who has never left my side. The God who wants me to learn not to put ME first, but rather Him and the purpose I’m intended to fulfill will just naturally fall into place. Ahhh….reckless abandon. Maybe if I search God with this reckless abandon I’d figure out I’m right where He wants me.

New Chapters...

Today marks the ending of a year which I can only explain to be one of extreme disappointments and discouragements. Today also marks a new chapter in this stage of life...

New chapters in a book always brings more story and character development. Sometimes the chapter has exciting changes to the story, others detail a passing of time to the next stage in the story.

I recently read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. There were 9 chapters and a couple seasons between her turning down his proposal and visiting his home in Pemberley - and clearing assuming she would not see him, or rather hoped she would not. Even after those 9 chapters were written, there was still 15 more before they actually got together! All of this to say, is that I'll keep waiting to see how this story comes out.

A couple of days ago I was encouraged to be reminded that when we have accepted Christ and the Holy Spirit has been gifted to us, that God is apart of me. I fail most days to remember that He is part of me. Often, I am of the Twoness (God & I - separate) mindset - selfishly only thinking of how I feel, what I want, or what will make me happy. But the truth of it all is that I have accepted Jesus as my Savior. I wear His mark. I'm part of Him. It's my choice to live my life to Glorify Him, not me...

2 Timothy 2:11-13
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.

I've chosen to die with him, so I must also choose to endure in this process. There will often be questions, and tears. But there will also be laughter and joy. The promises are that He invites us to live with Him, and even better, we get to reign with him.

He continues to remain faithful to his promises, even though I frequently question Him and lost sight that He is truly with me.

I hope that as I begin to write this next chapter of my story, that I can somehow Glorify Him through the process to honor Him and walk towards a life of Oneness with Him. Won't you join me? Let's see where this all goes!