Engagement!!!!

When a man and a women meet, fall in love and decide it is time to get married it is a special time in both of their lives. Their story is what will go with them the rest of their married life (hopefully the rest of their lives). They share it with everyone who asks, but most importantly when they have children and grandchildren their story is recounted numerous times. The light in their eyes as they reminisce how they met & how their (grand)father proposed to their (grand)mother. It is special.

I wish that this post was with me adding my story for my kids & grandkids to hear, but it's not.

"Why are you writing about this then?" you ask.

I'm kind of wondering the same thing. Maybe it's because it is on my mind & my heart. Over the past month, I have heard of 4 couples getting engaged. Three of these couples had people who had pleaded with God to provide them with a spouse & continuously recounted how much they want to be married & start a family - within the past year.

• One of these couples is a girl that I was a youth leader for. I have sat with one of these friends to discuss how important it is to develop their relationship with Christ as they wait for their spouse.


• Another friend has a similar path as myself, where their previous 5 relationships ended & then their ex found the love of their life in their next relationship.


• And yet another, I had been in a prayer with her & another woman and God had answered their prayers - but not yet mine.

I know that bitterness is not an honorable thing; especially in God's eyes. Certainly, I have no place to question God. I struggle not add "but" to my next statement. I just don't understand why. A year ago, I thought for sure a friend of mine would have moved our relationship to the next level; but as you may have noticed from previous posts God has said "wait".

I am genuinely happy for my friends who have entered into this stage of their life. Each one of them have unique and individual stories. God has answered their prayers.

Father God,

Thank you for answering the prayers of Mandi & David, Emily &
Matt, Hannah & Josh, and Josh & Mackenzie. You knew from the beginning
of time the journeys that each one of them would take to meet each other and
fall in love. You have each of their futures planned as they prepare to join
their lives here on earth. I pray that you would bless them each with knowledge
of you as they begin planning their future. May each of them keep their
hands open enough to allow You to work in miraculous ways in their lives and the
people they touch. I pray that they use this engagement time to obtain a solid
foundation with their relationshp with you - both individually and as a
couple.



I thank you, Father, for knowing the future you have planned for my
life. You have already preplanned all of the story. You, being the greatest
author of all time, know everything I need and are pleased to bring yourself
glory while I wait and seek you out. Each day you have me wait is not lost. Your
plans cannot be thwarted - even though Satan wishes to challenge that truth. I
ask that you are preparing my husband's heart to have the knowledge and the
encouragment to begin our courtship. I pray that you would strengthen his faith
in you and fill him with your Spirit as you prepare him to be the husband you
have called him to be. Be with him and protect him from temptations that
threaten to steal away his purity.



Thank you for showing me that you do answer prayers, and you are
working on answering my prayers; though I have not been able to see the outcome.
I hope for what is unseen.

I love you.

Amen.

Manna = Bread = Jesus

Exodus 16:4
I will rain down bread from heaven for you.

After the Isrealites were rescued from the slavery they endured in Egypt, they were found walking in the desert. If you've ever been in the desert you may have noticed how hard it is to find something cool to drink, let alone filling to eat. Most animals hide so well, even snakes have to sneak up on them. So as the Isrealites (the millions of them) were begining their trek towards the promised land, they were faced with a need for food. So God performed one of the most amazing miracles in the Old Testament; the raining down of Manna. There were a couple of rules surrounding the Manna, and the one that I want to bring up is that they could only collect & consume enough Manna for that one day (except for the day of the Sabbath -see Exodus 16:5) Each morning they could only gather enough for that day, and whatever was left over the next day would turn into maggots & rot away.

So the lesson here is that I can only store up enough promises for today. I can't worry about tomorrow.

John 6:33
For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.

Jesus is having a discussion with His disciples about bread which then leads to a discussion about Manna (the bread from Heaven) and how Jesus is the true bread from Heaven. Since He is the one who was sent by God.

This passage in John 6 (25-59) intrigues me in a bunch of different ways.
1. Manna was bread that filled the Isrealites everyday & they had to specifically collect it everyday. Jesus is the bread of life that we have to specifically collect everyday to get through the day.
2. Jesus talked about this at a time when he had had quite a following of people. He had begun performing many miracles.
3. Jesus repeats He is the Bread from Heaven, and those who ate the Manna still died. But everyone who eats His flesh and drinks His blood will have eternal life.
4.Jesus spoke about eternal life through His bread/body at this poin in His ministry but didn't formalize the practice of Holy Communion until He was on the eve of His death.

The practice of communion has a profound new meaning to me after reading these verses. The rememberance of Jesus is the reality that we take & eat His bread/body to never be hungry and
drink the wine/blood to never be thirsty again.

The manna in the OT was the fulfillment of our need for food, just like Jesus is the fulfillment of our need for eternal salvation. Collecting Manna was a daily exercise and so is collecting Jesus and His teachings to get through each day & into eternity.

Finally, Jesus discussed with the disciples how hard this teaching was for them to understand. I find it difficult to figure out how to express why this intrigues me. Maybe it's how He spoke with such a radical mindset. But when you grow in knowledge, it begins to make more sense.

So the lesson here is that when/if I can understand the true message of Jesus that I will take & eat of it and have eternal life.

Manna = Bread = Jesus = Eternal Life

Quite possibly the best mathmatical equation to ever be written. God is good. Praise God for the bread from Heaven.

Merry Christmas.

There will be a Day

It seems to me that I tend to write in this post the continuance of waiting, and the attempt at resting in the timing of God. Maybe the reason for this is that I keep missing the boat, or maybe it is a message of hope that keeps needing to be communicated. We are all waiting for something. We are living out situations where we are unsure of the outcome. Some people are really good at hiding their distrust in God from others, or they are just truly able to trust God. There are little victories that I have received in this area, but as each victory I receive I am reminded how much further I truly have to go before I can stand up with certainity that I learned everything I needed to learn during this season of waiting.

Romans 8:18-25

Just in time for the Christmas season, the message of Christ...
Luke 2:11
Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to youl he is Christ the Lord.

Sin is the reason that Jesus came. He came to save us.

My struggle is with fully trusting God. He allows many opportunities where I can choose to stand up to Satan & resist his false promises, or I can question & not trust the Hope that God has placed in my heart. Satan knows how these opportunities could best shake me, and he works quite hard to try to steal away my heart & devotion from God. But Jesus rescues me in my uncertainty and promises me that "His plans will not be thrwarted" and when things seem to be going against my plans that He will work all things for His glory. These promises both encourage me and give me hope.

Romans 8:25
But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.

He has given each one of us different promises and plans for our future. Sometimes it seems that the disappointments from today means He isn't working on His plan (but rather He is just dangling your dreams before you) but I pray that you rest in His promises and know that there is a reason for today. There is a reason for the waiting.

While I'm Waiting

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

Finding Happiness....

This week I wrote on my facebook account that I was "happy".

The amazing part of it is that there isn't anything specific to warrant such an emotion, except finding a gentle rest in the God of all comfort. It wasn't until today when I was meditating on a sermon on Repentance that I realized really where the Happiness is coming from.

This summer I went through a season of true wrestling with God. I was shocked to reveal some of my deepest sins. The biggest sin that I struggled with (and continue to struggle with) is truly trusting & believing in the goodness of God. The part of repetance that I had to melt into is the fact that God will never be able to fully show me "why" I need to trust Him, (not that He COULDN'T do it, more of the fact that it wouldn't glorify Him to show me) but I need to honor Him by following in obedience - by trusting Him in obedience.

"What does this have to do with happiness" you ask?

On August 10 2008, God began to challenge me with trusting Him - completely. He has been telling me "wait" over & over again. He is reminding me through scripture to wait, to believe, to trust.

Wait

--Habbakkuk

Believe

--Numbers 14 - If you do not believe you will not enter the promised land.

Trust

--Don't Doubt Me Even if it seems rediculous

From scripture to other miraculous signs, He is showing me the way. This is how I know I am happy. I can rest in His truth, and wait for His grace and look forward to how "He is going to going to do something in [my] days that [I] would not believe, even if [I was] told."

Praise God for His goodness. May you find His joy in the trials of life.

From Your Hands - Julian Drive

So for whatever reason, I have found myself adding music that really grabs my heart to this little blog of mine. Maybe because some of these songs are hitting me at some of the parts of journey that I need?

For whatever reason, here is my next suggestion:

From Your Hands - Julian Drive


Enjoy...

Suffering...Submission...Surrendering

I've been doing much thinking on the topics of Suffering, Submission & Surrendering. I know that it's been awhile since I have shared my thoughts - so I'll try to not be too long winded... But as apart of this journey, let me speak of each of these ideas & how they are intertwined.

Suffering
It is necessary to suffer. I wrote an entry about this very idea. The idea that God is always working out his will in our lives in big way when we endure hardships & struggle through those times. I found verses that speak to that very idea.

2 Corin 1:3-12 - The summary of this is the fact that we share in Christ's sufferings so that we can share in His comfort. His comfort is comfort in a future salvation with Him in heaven. We go through struggles so that we can grow & learn more about putting ourselves last. To humble us.

Submission
I have recently been thinking about how badly I submit to my authorities. Those authorities range from my employer, my president and my pastor. I always have ideas about improvement. I get angry & frustrated when, "how dare they not take my idea!"

Romans 13:1 - Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established.

The important lesson that I have learned is that GOD has placed authority in many different situations. It is MY job to support & submit to those people. It is NOT my job to question them, or become angry if they have not taken my idea. I need to respect them. Not make it more difficult.

Surrender
This has been a tougher lesson to learn. I'm not 100% sure how to fully surrender my heart over for this hope & desire. Or even ANY hope & desire.

For those who really know me, know that I am a really strong willed person. I've struggled with submitting to my leadership. Trusting in others & letting them make the mistakes. I know that even if I surrender & submit that won't keep me from suffering. That is ultimately the thing that I am dealing with. I try my hardest to keep up an easy life. But no matter what I do - I will suffer. People will hurt me. Sin will distroy. I will sin. But after all is said & done. The only thing that counts is my faith in what Christ did for me on the cross. The grace & mercy He gives me even when I mess up. Now the ultimate question is...Do I trust that God has His best in store for me? Is He working out His plan in my life? Will I get to go to the "Land of Milk & Honey"? If yes, then I have to try surrendering my will & let Him bring this hope to fruition.

Either I surrender my will, or He may MAKE me surrender my will. In this case, it's worse to ask for forgiveness - especially when He has told me what I need to do.

Let's watch in wonder to see what He does in my life. Will you pray for me? God may do something AMAZING if we just abide in Him...

Blessings to you.

Interstates, Roads & more...

I've talked about winding roads where you can't really see the path between the beginning and end of that path but you feel certain you can see what the end is going be. Recently, I got a glimpse of the path between the beginning and the end. The path we take through challenges in life is much of a journey. The scenery changes from time to time, but I get the sense that I am still on the same path.

In my walk as a single Christian woman, I have tried to remain consistent in my walk with Jesus. But, as I've walked down this road, there have been some roads that I've taken which didn't necessarily bring good things my way.

Let's first consider a map.

Maps can help us direct a plan to getting somewhere.

You've probably also heard the phrase, "there is always more than one way to get there", meaning that you could take many different paths to get to your final destination. But there is also that idea that one road can take you through bad areas to get you to your final destination.

I was thinking about this idea as it pertains to my singleness journey. I've started this journey with many friends. As time has progressed, these friends have been able to exit off of the "Singleness Interstate" either to meet up with their spouse or to temporarily take a rest from being single to date a random Joe Schmoe. If they stepped off just to date, they would generally meet back with me on that interstate.

On October 4th, my last single friend will be taking a new route with her new husband. I am very excited and happy for her! I have seen how God has worked his great plan out in her life. I could plant a tree at her "exit" and it would be blossoming beautifully. She is happy.

But this doesn't change my journey. I'm still travelling on this path, and it seems so lonely now that she is gone. I have other friends who are single but their path looks remarkably different - mostly because they are a few miles behind me in years. I've never been good at being the trailblazer in these kinds of situations. I get fearful. I always like to refer to the experiences of others to help me best plan what I would do - really just to learn from their mistakes.

There is hope. That is hope is Jesus. He has placed a desire inside my soul that He promises to fulfill. I have asked to have the desire of marriage removed if this is not His will, and still it remains. That is my hope. I have begun to praise God for the man that He is preparing to walk next to me.

I had an interaction with God this morning. There was a song on the radio that just seemed to confirm many of the things that He keeps trying to tell me. "Wait. Not Yet." Of course, two things that I DON'T want to hear, but he added this to encourage me:

The pain inside
Has erased your hope for love
Soon you will find
That I'll give you all
That your heart could ever want
And so much more

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there

Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive
Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive
- Third Day - Call My Name

And as He told Habakkuk...

Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
- Habakkuk 1:5

I have to believe that some day He will hold true to His promise. That walking down this journey may leave me feeling alone - but I just need to call on God to remind me of His love and His best laid plan for my life.

Rollercoasters

"Place keep hands, arms & legs inside the car at all times. Keep your
lapbelt securely fashioned for the duration of the ride."

When you are getting ready to start a Rollercoaster, you always hear these warnings & instructions as to how to behave properly on the ride. Then when you get on the ride you sometimes think about testing the limits on those "rules" but that depends on how intense the ride is.

Sometimes I behave the same way with my Christian walk. Before getting on the ride, I didn't really pay much attention to the warnings.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this
world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the
world."

So now that I am on the "ride" I tend to stick my arms & even my legs (scary) out of the car trying to spruce up the enjoyment. Maybe I even do this to try to be more independent - not wanting to fully rely on the car to hold me in.

But the problem is, when the ride starts going in a direction I didn't expect, I start to panic! "What?! Why are we going this way? This isn't fun? Let's not go facedown at a 90degree angle at break-neck speed!" But the reality, who am I to tell God which direction to take this car? I keep battling with this issue. I keep hoping that He'll change His mind if I whine loud enough or cry out hard-enough.

My dear friend Habakkak had this same struggle:

2 How long, O LORD, must I call for
help,
but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, "Violence!"
but you do not save?
3 Why do you make me look at
injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? (Hbk 1:2-3)

And similarily, God responds to me in the same way He responded to him:

"Look at the nations and watch—and be utterly amazed. For I am going
to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." (Hbk 1:5)

Yet still, I keep complaining & arguing with God. But I tend to add a little bit of manipulation attempts to get Him to change His mind:

Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate
wrong. Why then do you tolerate the treacherous? Why
are you silent while the wicked swallow up those more righteous than
themselves? (Hbk 1:13)

And yet still, His mind can not be changed:

"Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a
herald may run with it.
3 For the revelation awaits an appointed
time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for
it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
4 "See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright— but the righteous will live
by his faith (Hbk 2:3-4)

There is much that it seems that God is teaching me through the prophet Habakkuk. And it boils down to this:

• Life does not revolve around me
• I cannot change God's mind
• He has a GREAT plan in mind
• He has NOT forgotten me & is preparing me for great things

And

• My desires need to be aligned with His will & not be about my pride
• the Righteous will live by Faith

So I can best enjoy this ride if I keep all hands, arms & legs inside the car at all times. And keep the lapbelt securely fastened during the duration of the ride. He promises some great action - things that I wouldn't be able to imagine. But I must stay on His course. His plan. His Rollercoaster. The best coaster on the planet.

And lastly....some lyrics to a song that I really came to love today:
"What Life Would Be Like" - Big Daddy Weave
I wish I was more of a man
Have you ever felt that way
And if I had to tell you the truth I’m afraid I’d have to say
That after all I’ve done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be
And what if I could fix myself
Maybe then I could get free
I could try to be somebody else
Whose much better off than me
But I need to remember this
That it’s when I’m at my weakest
I can clearly see

He made the lame walk
And the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits
While His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like
If we let JESUS live through you and me

Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light - That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away. Would you take me in? Take
me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need - You're
everything,everything

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? How can I stand
here with you and not be moved by you?Would you tell me how could it be any
better than this?

Lifehouse: Everything

Junior High & Dances

Thursday night I had the pleasure of going to a training session for this place called The Powerhouse. It's a place where kids can come after school and hang out and where adults can build relationships with kids aging between 12-18 (6th grade through Senior in High School). Last year my house church volunteered here on Friday nights for their "Glo" program. Glo is basically a safe dance club for these kids. It is quite fun. There is a lot of Mt. Dew and pizza consumed. It is quite a fun time. It kind of takes me back to a time in my life of school dances & trying to figure myself out.

During the meeting, one of the directors reminded us about some of these times of our lives. She asked us to think back to that time. I can remember that middle school dance. A slow song starts up and you are talking with a boy that you really like. He is a good friend and you have several classes together and he seems to be such a nice guy. Deep inside, your stomach turns with anticipation. Is he going to ask me to dance? This is such a great song! It is one of my favorites. Oh I hope he asks me to dance... You keep talking with him, and the song gets closer to the middle. Oh the anxiety you feel. It's almost more than you can take! So as an akward 12 year old, do take matters into your own hands and risk rejection and just ask him to dance? Or do you just wait to let him make the move?

Even now, at 30, I'm waiting for an answer to that same question. What is answer? Is it really just as simple as feeling comfortable with the answer you may or may not receive? Or is it resting patiently in the response that God has in store? I'm sure there are so many differing opinions out there.

Before, I really make a decision on this, I want say something in regards to respect. This week I have really been struggling with this idea of respect. At times I have little (if any) respsect for my leaders. This can even include the One who created me. Why is this? I suppose they question isn't "Why" as I can certainly give you the easy answer of sin...I guess my question is, if I understand that this is not honoring to God or the people the lack of respect is directed at, then why can't I shake my attitude?

So this goes back to the Jr. High dance...I could ask the guy to dance, and just take matters into my own hands, but I'm not sure that is going to express any sort of respect to him. Certainly the ages of the players are different and the circumstances are more serious than just a simple dance - but if I can ever learn to fully give over control & repsect him maybe it is just as simple as waiting patiently for him to get the courage, or learning that I am the one he wants to dance with - then the wait would all be worth it. If he misses this song, there will be more if he is meant to dance with me through this life.

Suffering

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting my 91 year old grandpa. I hadn’t seen him for over 2 years since he lived 10hours away. I didn’t have too much of an opportunity to really talk with him as he wanted to sleep all day, and didn’t have much interest on staying awake to chat. So while Grandpa was sleeping, it provided me an opportunity to meet some other people who are living at the same care facility that he is staying at.

So, God introduced me to Louie. Louie is in his early 80’s and his wife Adelaide is also at the same facility and she is suffering from severe Dementia and doesn’t remember him. When I first started talking to him, he asked me “Why do you care about me? Why do people have to suffer? Why can’t they just die?” We started talking about how his wife is dying, but she’s been in this same state-of-being for about 3years now. They had just moved from another care facility where they didn’t have enough medical help to properly care for his wife.

With tears in his eyes, he asked me why they have to keep living, when he is just somewhere awaiting his time to die. Why pay the money? Why do we (meaning me) pay for him to wait to die? These questions really hit me hard.

On my drive to Wisconsin, I had listened to this great sermon on 1 Samuel 19 & suffering. Basically, the ultimate question was: Is God only at work when things are going well? Sometimes it certainly seems that way. When things don’t seem to be going well, or when I am in the midst of a terrible struggle, it seems that God must not be working in my life. While I was listening to this sermon, this whole thought process was blown out of the water. Jesus suffered. He suffered in ways that seem so unbearable. So the question is, if God only works when things are going well, does that mean that God was not at work when Christ was crucified? Of course not! Talk about the greatest display of God working! It brought me to a new perspective on verses such as:

· Romans 8:17 - Now if we are
children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we
share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his
glory.
· Luke 24:26 - Did not
the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his
glory?"
· Philippians 1:29 -
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him,
but also to suffer for him,
·
James 1:2 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many
kinds,

These verses talk about the fact that it is necessary to suffer here on earth, just as Christ did, so that we can share Christ’s glory in heaven, too. Many times I’ve thought that suffering is really experiencing pain on behalf of Christ, and that true suffering is really only what happens to people who are proclaiming the Gospel of Christ in some other country. But the reality is that we all suffer, and that God is working through those times.

So as Louie was talking to me about his pain, this concept of suffering came to mind. I was able to share with Him the message of hope of Jesus despite the struggle of his situation & his wife’s situation. He struggled also with knowing what the right message to believe in is. It was truly humbling to see.

Friends, I am not sure what struggles you all endure in, whether they seem big or small in your eyes. But know that God is working to establish HIS kingdom through this suffering, so that we can direct our eyes to Jesus. If you think of it, please pray for Louie. Pray that God’s truth will be clear and evident in his heart & that healing would come quickly for Adelaide.

Proverbs 31 - yuck?

I’ve struggled with what the Proverbs 31 woman lays out in imagery; especially as a single woman. But the question is…was the Proverbs 31 woman only these things once she became married? Of course not! I’m sure that there were many lessons that she had to learn through the process as a married woman, but some of these traits she learned before she was even betrothed.

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at
the future”

This verse (Proverbs 31:25) has many different implications on her outlook on God. One of my biggest struggles (& probably most who follow Christ) is in the idea of trusting God’s ultimate sovereignty. In this verse she smiles at the future, because she trusts in God’s will, timing, sovereignty, etc. She is able to rest confidently in God & not freak out in the stickiest of circumstances.

So in regards to her character, isn’t this the kind of character we all desire, both married and single? Don’t we wish to learn to trust God in the most uncertain of circumstances and not freak out? So much that wages in me struggles to rest certainly of the hands of God. But so often I can look back with my 20/20 vision and acknowledge the glorious path that God has taken me on.

Father God,
Thank you so much for the blessing of seeing you work in my life. Forgive me for fearing the next steps. You have proven time & time again in my life and in others that shows how you ultimately care and provide for each of our needs. You know not only what we need, but also what we want. You fulfill the desires of our hearts when they are perfectly aligned with your will. My prayer is to be able to rest securely in the peace of who you are. Teach my heart & mind to not lose sight of the fact that you see the big picture. Help me to depend on you like a child depends on their parents.
Your grace is enough, and Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Amen.

Time

I've been wanting to post something over the past couple of days, but there have been so many things that I have wanted to say that I figured that it would probably be a post that was pages upon pages. But I thought to myself that you probably wouldn't take the time to read a really long post - unless of course you don't have a life and enjoy blog-stalking. ;) Just kidding!

Some things I have been learning/pondering/wrestling through:
- Repentance (What's the deal with this?)
- Yoke (Why is an egg so important?)
- Hope (This is kind of a repeat from a few months ago)
- Choosing God's best vs my best

This summer has been quite a great summer. When it first began I knew that God had some great big things to teach me. Or I guess I hoped that there was a purpose that this summer was going to have. You see, 2 months ago, I was learning about myself and the way that I approach relationships. God took away a relationship (hopefully only for a short time) and my hope & understanding of that time is so that I could learn more about me. Well, even if the outcome is not going to be how I would hope, I still know that it was not all in vain.

I am not sure if I wrote about Co-dependancy (or more appropriately termed "Fear of Man") but after some deep discovery, I realized that this is something that is hidden within my heritage. It has brought itself through the years, and is now in my hands. And I have a choice. I can learn from it, or I can continue through life with the same struggles as those who have gone before me & pass it down to my children. The problem with the "Fear of Man" is that it is disguised in many forms. It is disguised as low self-esteem, in unhealthy friendships, in unmet desires, in wanting others to like you, in living your life out of fear of someone else. Now, no, I am not "afraid" of man (or men), but rather as I have dug into my soul, I realized how much I live trying to please other people. But it also is masked with how sometimes my desire to unknowingly manipulate another person to try to get them to do something I want them to do.

The best part of all of this discovery, is the fact that as I look into some of my relationships, I can see the healthy ones - the relationships where they do not buy into this behavior. I have a friend who has not bought into one bit of my schemes to try to get them to like me. They have liked me genuinely from the beginning of our friendship. They have been quick to be kind to me, or say nice things to me. But the minute I started to manipulate them into hanging out with me, they just didn't respond. This could be God also preserving this relationship. Whatever the reason, I am grateful for the process that it is taking.

So as August moves closer, I can say that it has been a great summer! I still can't believe 6 months have moved through life so quickly, but this time has been truly fruitful. Praise God for the things He has shown me, as well as all the things he will show me in the future. God is Great and is to be praised for his mighty acts of power!

God is bigger than...

How big is our God?
He is bigger than my deepest fears.
He is bigger than all of my unfulfilled desires.
He is bigger than each sin I commit (or omit).
He is bigger than a boring job.
He is bigger than a fight with a friend.
He is bigger than....and the list goes on and on.

So often when I am faced with a fearful situation, I lose sight of who God is, and the kind of control He has over that situation. And all situations really. It has been so hard to get it through my thick head that "God works all things for the good". That's right ALL things.

Even now, as I write this the fear of relying on Him fully grips at my heart. I experience some anxiety. But as Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence", I can go to him and with confidence. So often I walk this walk with an expectation that God wants me to do it alone. Independancy is a trait that the western world has taken a liking to. I have it in my home, in my job and most of my relationships. But alone has never been His plan. His whole purpose in creation is to create people to be dependant on Him! He even says "I will never leave you".

I am not perfect. In this imperfection, I am slowly letting go of the need to hold onto the facade to show others. Jesus died on that cross so that I don't have to hang my head low for my depravity. I can approach him with the areas that I struggle with. I can say, "Jesus, I am struggling with [insert issue here] and I don't have the strength to do this. Give me the strength I need to obey you."

Praise God for his greatness!

Mexico - Days 1,2 & 3

Day 1&2
30 of us went to Detroit to fly & 31 of us went to Chicago to fly on Friday night. I went through Chicago. Saturday both groups arrived nearly 45min within each other and all things went well. We drove down to the San Quentin valley in mexico. Tijuana was even pretty simple. Our van got stopped, but nothing crazy. Just a quick, "Where are you going?" & a quick response "We're on vacation". Hmm... But all in all, it was good.

Day 3 - Sunday
Nothing real notable occured this day. Except maybe to say that we had some good grub for dinner. A really spicy sauce, but tasty (can't remember the name of the item) none the less.
Though, I think that Sunday was the day that we stayed up late singing during an impromptu worship night. ( I suppose the days are already running together).

The past month...

So my appologies...Many things have happened since I last posted. Everything from hitting my 30th birthday to working in Mexico for a week. A month is a long time.

I will give you a taste of a few things here in this post and I will try to give you some additional thoughts & happenings from the past month.

Faith & Hope

I’ve really been struggling with the idea of understanding “hope” & “faith” and not listening to Satan’s lies about me as a person in addition to God’s plan for my life. If I’m not worrying about a guy liking me, it’s me worrying that he’ll fall in love with another person over me. Never mind the fact that the whole plan is something God has in store (whether he is with me or with her or neither of us).

So let’s first talk about “faith”. As I listened to a sermon about this same subject, Circumstantial Faith is putting my belief that based on the formula of doing things “perfectly”. If I do XXXX then I must receive XXXX. If I don’t get this, then God must not be real and I can give up believing him… NOT! It’s so hard to really place trust in God when things don’t happen the way that we want.

This is where Hope comes in. We can certainly have hope that things will turn out in our favor. But the measure of faith that must come in is in regards to the fact that God always knows better than we do. We need to place our faith in Jesus/God despite the circumstances that we are in (most of which we wish would change). So, I have hope that I will be married, and I hope that he is XXXX. But as I hope I must rest in the knowledge that God knows the best plan & the when/who may be changed; but always for my good and His kingdom.

Some verses I have had to really rely on lately are:
Hebrew 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see.

I hope that I will have this desire answered (to be married/wife/mother/etc.) and certain that God’s best is waiting to happen.

Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God,

If I refuse to have this faith (in God & his best plan – no matter what), then I cannot please God.

Because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

That even when my hopes are not answered the way I think, & I still keep the faith in God – that he WILL always reward those who place faith in him.

So maybe it really is an equation…Have FAITH in God (the kind that realizes that His best is always at hand, and His will is always best) and then He will reward you (with His kind of rewards, in His timing, and in His way).

Mark 1:40
Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean.

It’s not the fact that God is unable to answer the prayer, but more important that I fully understand that this world is NOT about me. It is about His kingdom, glory, and honor. His process is much more important, and if He is willing…I believe that He will make this happen in my life. And going along with the stuff above, I believe that even if He doesn’t choose to answer this particular prayer soon (if ever) that His ways are much higher than mine. He knows best.

The next part of the sermon series was the response to unanswered prayers. He spoke about Paul’s thorn that he pleaded with God to take away – 3 times in fact. The part that was renewed in my heart was what followed in the verses in 2nd Corinthians:

2 Corinthians 12:9b-10
Therefore I will boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Notice the plurality of that statement. Paul asked 3 times for this ONE item to be removed…but he (read I) will delight in ALL of the struggles present. As when I am weak, I am strong because of the power of Christ that He freely gives in response to my faith in him.

I know the challenge of walking with this peace is huge. The important armor that I have available is those verses above. I have been battling my soul with this whole knowledge. Not wavering on what I have learned but being frustrated with living solely on Circumstantial Faith. God is calling me to stand firm and fully trust Him. But with the kind of Faith that pleases him; faith that says You are God, I hope for good things, but realize that even if those good things I want are not what you want – I’m going to trust you anyway; because after all, you better than I.

With Open Hands

Have you ever noticed that it is hard to hold your hands completely open? Then when you relax your hands, they begin to close naturally...

I was thinking about this fact, and I can so relate this idea to my trust in God. In recent months, I was in a place of pure devotion to God. Placing my hopes for my future, my goals, my dreams, my desires in the palm of my hand with God fully in control of these items. When things seemed to be "going good" I listened to the Lie that Satan spoke, "you can put your guard down. You have this in the bag".

As I began letting my guard down, I noticed that my grip on the situation started to change. Just as when we relax our hands, they start to close. The more my hands closed, the more crazy the situation seemed to appear. Things were not working out in a way that pleased me.

This change created a catalyst of change in my heart. I lost grip of, not only the item that I wanted most, but also on perspective. When I thought that I was taking control, the more I tried to grip onto my wants/hopes/desires/etc the more everything slipped through my fingers.

This catalyst of change has forced me to reexamine my worship. Where do I place my hopes? Is it in the thing that I want? Or is in God, the creator & perfecter of my faith? So just like holding my hands completely open has times of difficulty (tiredness, pain, weakness), so is my walk with Christ. It takes specific attention to keep those hands open. It is not natural. But neither is our walk with Christ. It takes specific attention to keep his commands & walk in His truths. It is not natural to behave this way, as we are all born as sinners.

BUT (now that's a big but), we are promised that "[he] has plans for you. Plans prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope & a future" Jere 29:11. But this promise exists that[we] will seek [him] and find [him] when [we] seek [him] with all [our] heart. He will reveal His will for our lives - if we keep our hands open so much to let him take care of all the plans. We can sit back and relax, but we must also just strive to keep the hands open.

Winding roads & Straight Paths

The interesting thing about going on a journey is that there are times where you can see a long way down the road. Then there are times when the road is winding so much, that you can't see around the next bend.

And even sometimes you can see in the distance how the road will come around, but you can't see that path around the corner that will get you to that portion of the road.

This is the general path that my life is taking at this point. I have hope that the future (the path that I can see) will bring about the things that I have been desiring. But, I can't see how I am going to get from Point A to Point B.

Most of us know it's best to change the oil in our cars every 3,000 miles to ensure that the engine has clean oil to do its best to keep everything running smoothly. I know that I want my car to keep running for at least another several thousand miles, so I know that I must keep up on this maintenance. But as apart of this maintenance, I need to be prepared to take the time to get this oil change scheduled.

Preparation.
I've been doing a great deal of pondering on the idea of preparation. It seems that while I wait to see what is around the bend, I have not been all that good in this area. I throw way too many parties (the pity kind) that results in more brokeness and discontent. This is such a waste of precious time that I have here. One of the most profound thoughts in life is that no one is richer or poorer when it comes to time. We all have 24 hours to accomplish the things we need to. Some are more more efficient with this time.

I don't know how my journey will meet the road that I believe exists, but one thing is for certain this is the time to develop the character that God desires for me. To learn and put into practice humility, compassion, grace & complete surrender to God. Though I know that this journey will have its fair share of highs & lows, I can be certain that there will be times of deep stability - or straight paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on
your own
understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make
your paths
straight.

Father God, I pray that I will be energized to use this time that I have for growing closer to you. Give my heart the desire to follow the sound of your voice and teach me to give you my stolen moments - to keep from letting distractions keep me from being ready to do your will. Thank you for blessings you give today and the fulfillment of promises you have planned for tomorrow. Amen.

Promises, promises, promises

There is something about a broken promise that really affects me. Whether it be a friend who "forgot" to call, or when someone failed to take care of something that they said they would handle.

I know that I could give you account of different ways in which someone has broken a promise. But let me shift my thoughts to God in regards to broken promises. Does He "forget" or not do something He said He would? It sure seems that way a lot of times. As I sit here in this uncomfortable path in life, I wonder "Did God really promise that He would never leave me or forsake me?"

I began reading in 1 Peter 5, and some of my discouragements were answered for me.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after
you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong,
firm and steadfast."

This verse gave me a promise that I just couldn't ignore.
When I think back to other times within my life, I can identify specific times when everything seemed all okay within my soul. I can even remember some deep disappointments, and the path out of that pain & suffering. So this verse can give me the same encouragement that He has PROMISED that after I have suffered a little while, God WILL restore me and make me strong & steadfast.

God is good to His promises.

[Enter my inquisitive mind]

"How can I stand firm and not fall while I am in this place of great discontentment & suffering?"

Well, reading earlier in 1 Peter 5, I saw the following:

"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand"
"Cast all your anxiety on him"

God's word does not tell me that He will take away my suffering (though He may restore me & make me strong & steadfast) but his word DOES say that I need to be Humble & Cast my anxiety on Him. I can be certain in those time of true selfishness, I do neither of these.

As I learn to perservere in this trial, I pray that I will learn to submit to God in these areas. What do I have to lose? What do you have to lose? It seems that when we submit our hearts over to God with all of our wants & desires He will help direct those desires to what He wants & it more than pleases Him to be able to satisfy those desires.

May you experience the freedom of trusting God with your desires.

Love is...

Finishing that sentence can be so difficult. Sure, maybe the first thing to come to mind is the 1 Corinthians 13 passage that is read at weddings so frequently. But, how much do we actually LOVE?

There is a truth that it seems that God has been echoing in my ear... but let me first talk about the 1 John 4:19 verse. "We love because He first loved us". The "He" referenced is really the main reason we love. The HOW can be a little vague from time to time, but the WHY is the truth that I am coming to understand.

The lesson being taught is this:
You choose to love others more, not because you love THEM, but rather to love JESUS/God more.

This princple has never been as real to my heart like this statement has stretched it.

So maybe you wonder what this has to do with being single. Sometimes the easy way out is to say that "I don't have a family/spouse so I can't learn anything from this", but to this I say that there are so many ways that we (singlepeople) can show love to others. We just need to step outside ourselves and LOOK for ways to honor Christ with our live - love.

My challenge to you:
Step out of your box and look for simple ways to love:
- call a friend
- make dinner for someone
- Listen

Love well.

Standing firm...on sandy ground??

It has been about 6 months since I have last thought about going on a true hiking experience. Back in October when the weather was mostly nice - the sun will still shining & the fall leaves were creating a fragrance that was pleasant to my nose. Now here we are, it's April and 60 degree temperatures are still to be found. We've endured a seemingly long winter season - full of snow & cloudy days.

The hope of hiking a path has been high on my list of "things-to-do". I can only imagine what the view at the top of mountain would give! But is it really the destination at the top that brings the most enjoyment? Or is it each part of the journey to the top? My last hiking experience was full of discouragement as my body wasn't in the kind of health I needed to get me through the journey pain-free. There were times that I would receive surprises that would make me revolt in fear. It was hard for me to see the pleasure out of the trip - except at the end was a beautiful lake.

Though Spring has yet to fully make its arrival, the reality is this - I am on a different kind of hike. One that is challenging me towards true contentment in my climb towards that final goal - freedom in Christ. But, I have a choice. Do I focus on all of the parts of the challenge that make it hard, or can I step outside of myself long enough to see the beauty of the journey - flowers, babbling brooks & wild animals - all of which God designed for us to enjoy with Him.

This week I have been chewing on the idea of "Standing Firm". In 2 Thessalonians, Paul writes about this idea of Standing Firm during times of difficulty. I can easily be swayed to FEEL a certain way based on my circumstance, the truth of it all is really to learn how to KNOW the truth as God sees it.

The truth is:
God has specifically chosen/adopted each believer in Christ.
He did this through the changing work of the Holy Spirit.
All so that we can share in the Glory of Jesus.

But the point of it all is to "Stand Firm" & remember the teaching of Jesus we've received (either written & or heard). And the hope behind all of this is that Jesus & God may encourage our hearts and strengthen us in every good deed & word. (my paraphrase)

The part that I have really be trying to memorize into my heart is that
Jesus
- loves me
- gives eternal encouragement
- gives good hope

Wow..good hope...I face the reality that many times I place my hope in things of this world (my desire for a spouse, my friendships, my job, my ministries, my ability to take care of myself, etc...) Not that these things are bad, but the reality is that the things I place my hope in, are like shifting sand. They are not constant. Friends move on, jobs end, ministries change, circumstances change...But the love of Jesus is eternal & never ending. He is the only source of good hope.

As I continue climbing this hill, inch by inch, I long to reach out to the source of Good Hope, so that I can enjoy the journey until that day that I can see the view from the top of the mountain. The day that He will make sense of my current sufferings. But I also need to understand that each part of the journey will have some joy in it. I need to stop focusing on myself and what pains me & look around at the view from this point. He is the source of good hope & that is enough to get me through today's challenge.

Approaching the throne with confidence...

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

This being my first official blog post on this site, I am hoping to adequately articulate my thoughts about this journey I have been asked to walk called singleness. In a few short months I will be hitting my 30th year in this life. Sure, age is just a number that we use to count time relative to others & their number.

When you are in high school, you are faced with the opportunity that the world is your canvas and the painting you create is up to you. The freedom you have & the dreams that can come true is an endless set of possibilities. Though 30 is the next 20, it seems that life is nothing that I would have ever thought it would look like - at least not through these lenses.

This is where the idea of trusting my Creator comes into play. If Romans 8:28 is true, then we can be sure that everything that has happened to me up to this point has all been in God's plan. This is a tough place to be at since I want what I want & when I want it...But even in the midst of my self-will wanting to rule over my heart, my heart is fighting to listen to God and realize that His ultimate best is coming to fruition in my life.

I was reading an email I received this week that touched on the idea of Eve's ultimate desire to have knowledge of everything - good & evil. It's kind of like the idea that hopes in life are in a game of "Door #1 & Door #2".

Behind good ole Door #1 is an image of everything that you could imagine that is good. A well-paying, satisfying job; the most attractive man with all the best qualities ever; well-behaved children & perfect ministry - all behind a piece of glass.
Behind Door #2 is...well we don't know. It's all behind a solid wood door with no holes or windows. But what if you were told EVERY one of your dreams, hopes & desires would be fulfilled behind Door #2. Would you trust the messenger?
Eve chose Door #1. But the problem is, she didn't see the consequences. The question I need to ask myself "Is it worth choosing Door #1 since I can see all that is available, or am I willing to risk all of my desires to see how good Door #2 really is?"

I hope that as we experience this journey together, that we'll see which option I choose. So, I will approach the throne of grace with confidence and hope to recieve mercy and to find God's grace to help me through this time.